Hrm. Well, here goes, I guess.
May. 27th, 2003 01:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
x_multiplemanI've got the first bit, kinda, for the poem for Professor Braddock. Everything up through the false cause-effect logic. I'm just stuck on the piece of talk and the adjective-noun thing. Have ideas for some of the rest of it but I'm trying to keep it in order.
In the branches of the tree there's a cathedral for the breeze
Glowing sunlight through green stained glass and the sermons of the bees
And the branches are pew benches with their sticky pads of sap.
After communion (gold-sweet honeycomb) I settle for a nap.
I dream of Grandpa Jessup cutting clouds through Germany
(In a storm a tree's a danger, not a cathedral, you see)
So I wake up to the green and gold and "Just a dream," I think.
(Thunder causes milk to sour; I don't want to call a jinx.)
"You have to be yourself, Jamie," but soon I'll be myselves
Once the cold hand of tomorrow empties out the leafy shelves.
Little Jumper doesn't know this yet; head pillowed on his knees
He lets his eyes fall shut again, goes flying with the bees.
The stony wind comes flying now, la belle air sans merci
And I hit the ground hard, shooting past the shrieking of the tree.
I wake up, sit up, choke back Grandpa's favorite Army oath:
Two roads may part now in a wood . . . but I can take them both.
It's supposed to be about the day I fell out of the tree and found out I was a mutant but I haven't gotten that far yet (that's what the prediction part is going to be.) And some of the lines were a lot like pulling teeth to write and they sound kind of random, I think.
If I edit this later when I come up with more stuff, and make it so people can tell what stuff got added when, does that count as showing the editing process?
(Edit, about 1:15 AM, which is gonna bite me in the morning but I couldn't sleep. Finished. Took me a while to come up with the non-English part and the allusion to another poem, but lucky for me Piotr posted all that Robert Frost stuff earlier.)
In the branches of the tree there's a cathedral for the breeze
Glowing sunlight through green stained glass and the sermons of the bees
And the branches are pew benches with their sticky pads of sap.
After communion (gold-sweet honeycomb) I settle for a nap.
I dream of Grandpa Jessup cutting clouds through Germany
(In a storm a tree's a danger, not a cathedral, you see)
So I wake up to the green and gold and "Just a dream," I think.
(Thunder causes milk to sour; I don't want to call a jinx.)
"You have to be yourself, Jamie," but soon I'll be myselves
Once the cold hand of tomorrow empties out the leafy shelves.
Little Jumper doesn't know this yet; head pillowed on his knees
He lets his eyes fall shut again, goes flying with the bees.
The stony wind comes flying now, la belle air sans merci
And I hit the ground hard, shooting past the shrieking of the tree.
I wake up, sit up, choke back Grandpa's favorite Army oath:
Two roads may part now in a wood . . . but I can take them both.
It's supposed to be about the day I fell out of the tree and found out I was a mutant but I haven't gotten that far yet (that's what the prediction part is going to be.) And some of the lines were a lot like pulling teeth to write and they sound kind of random, I think.
If I edit this later when I come up with more stuff, and make it so people can tell what stuff got added when, does that count as showing the editing process?
(Edit, about 1:15 AM, which is gonna bite me in the morning but I couldn't sleep. Finished. Took me a while to come up with the non-English part and the allusion to another poem, but lucky for me Piotr posted all that Robert Frost stuff earlier.)
no subject
Date: 2017-12-27 05:40 pm (UTC)May 27 2003, 12:40:26 UTC
Och, that's lovely! There's something pricking at the back of my mind, I feel I ought to be singing it and I almost remember the tune....
If you think of something specific you'd like for the piece of talk, I could come say it aloud to you so you can say you've heard it in dialect. *thinks* Playful trees? Or maybe that's not odd enough....
x_crowdofone
May 27 2003, 12:54:30 UTC
The first couple of lines kinda popped into my head and I managed to get them written down before they popped back out again. I'm not sure where the rhythm came from but once it got started it was a lot easier to keep going than change it around.
. . . And I never even thought of asking somebody to say something for the piece of talk. I've been racking my brain all day trying to remember something that would fit. You sure it's not cheating? ;) Now I have to figure out what a good line would be. Hm. Maybe getting my brain yanked around by Ms. Frost'll jog something loose.
x_rahne
May 28 2003, 10:11:07 UTC
Doesn't look as though you needed the help with talking. I like the full version.
I think Professor Braddock's going to be upset with me, though; I haven't thought of any changes to mine that still seem to fit.
And I picked up a little volume of Edgar Allan Poe in the evening. It gave me nightmares and a headful of jangled-up chanting. He's very disturbing, often, but I'm trying not to be talked out of the notion he might have been having fun with some of the word-sounds....
x_crowdofone
May 28 2003, 10:27:25 UTC COLLAPSE
Thanks. :)
I don't think I got all the instructions really, but I can't think of anything to change either. It sort of . . . settled in my head once it was finished, you know? But I'm talking to her this afternoon (hopefully without too much of a headache from class) and she'll probably point some things out.
Poe's creepy. I haven't read much more than "The Raven" but that was creepy enough for me--I like the way it sounds read out loud, though. He had a very good sense of rhythm. Which is probably part of why he's so creepy, the rhythm sort of crawls inside and squats.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-27 05:42 pm (UTC)May 27 2003, 13:18:00 UTC
I tried it and got lost writing something else instead. It's a good exercise though. I may try again next week...
Btw - that coffee? Brutal. But good!
Re:
x_crowdofone
May 27 2003, 13:20:59 UTC
Grandpa always used to say if you can't use it to degrease engines, kill lice, and fuel a Jeep, it's not real coffee. Glad you liked it. :)
Re:
x_dazzler
May 27 2003, 13:25:22 UTC
*lol*
One of the sound guys on tour used to say pretty much the same thing about his coffee too.
x_rahne
May 27 2003, 13:54:32 UTC
I am so glad I did not drink any of that now....
Re:
x_crowdofone
May 27 2003, 13:59:33 UTC
Why d'you think I didn't? That stuff's toxic. Grandpa used to tell this story about how it wrestled a Nazi for him one day and I couldn't tell if he was kidding or not.
'Course, I was five at the time. I think he was probably kidding.
x_polarisstar
May 27 2003, 21:37:27 UTC
<3 your grandfather. No, seriously, I'm proposing marriage here if only for that story.
Re:
x_crowdofone
May 27 2003, 21:48:01 UTC
Heh. I'm sure he'd be happy to hear that. He died when I was ten, though, so I'm afraid he's in no shape to be accepting marriage proposals. :)
Re:
x_polarisstar
May 27 2003, 21:53:47 UTC
My heart is broken...*looks all pale and tragic and does the Buttercup losing Wesley voice* I'll never love again.
Bummer. *eyes you* On the other hand, you make a darn decent cup of coffee :-)
x_crowdofone
May 27 2003, 22:01:58 UTC
Yeah, and you want to make me wear a dress. I dunno if it'd work out. :)
Re:
x_polarisstar
May 27 2003, 22:03:45 UTC
But I'm offering to let you vote on the color! That's way more than anyone else is getting! See, I'm very generous to people who get me my caffiene fix.
x_crowdofone
May 27 2003, 22:19:59 UTC
Words can't express my appreciation of your generosity.
And speaking of, I ought to take another whack at that poem.
Re:
x_polarisstar
May 27 2003, 22:22:28 UTC
You do that.
We'll get you yet. There's a lovely green dress in your future, my boy.
Re:
x_crowdofone
May 27 2003, 23:48:57 UTC
But not a real green dress.
That's cruel.
*opens up the poem, whistling*
Re:
x_polarisstar
May 28 2003, 00:59:44 UTC
No! You evil evil boy and your song of DOOM which will be stuck in my head for ever and ever!
You shall get no kraft dinner! Away with thee to work on your poem, lest Betsy smite thee down!
Re:
x_crowdofone
May 28 2003, 01:05:40 UTC
*maniacal laughter* Vengeance is mine!
. . . And now I really need to go sleep. I have Perfectly Manicured Fingernails Digging Around In My Brain Class tomorr--today, argh.
Re:
x_polarisstar
May 28 2003, 01:08:25 UTC
Ugh. You had to remind me, didn't you. There will be sequins on your dress for this, boy!
no subject
Date: 2017-12-27 05:42 pm (UTC)May 27 2003, 14:27:34 UTC
I like your poem a lot Jamie. Alison helped explain it to me. :)
x_crowdofone
May 27 2003, 14:37:05 UTC
Thanks, Piotr. It's not done yet, though. I hope I'll be able to finish it by Friday.
x_dazzler
May 27 2003, 14:45:51 UTC
It's off to a lovely start, really. I'll be looking forward to reading the rest.
x_crowdofone
May 27 2003, 14:57:51 UTC
I'll try not to disappoint! :)
no subject
Date: 2017-12-27 05:43 pm (UTC)May 27 2003, 17:07:49 UTC
Wow! I'm real impressed. Much better'n mine. :)
x_crowdofone
May 27 2003, 22:23:25 UTC
Hey, I've seen yours, and it's good.
Also, it's done, which is a lot more than I can say. :)
x_psylocke
May 27 2003, 23:01:01 UTC
You have a way with words that makes this "an experience."
I am eager to see how you will end it. I absolutely love the way the words dance off one's tongue while reading.
I must say, as I've been making my rounds through everyone's LiveJournal, I must reiterate this fact. No more self-depreciating posts on supposed bad poetry. Your piece is off to a great start and can't wait to see the final edit.
I'll be available to you tomorrow evening, if you care to discuss your poem further.
x_crowdofone
May 28 2003, 00:28:17 UTC
Thanks. :) I've finished it now if you want to take another look--and I wasn't trying to put myself down too much, honest, just saying parts were tough to get out and sounded a little random. I actually really like the way it ended, only I'm not sure if I really managed to put in the declarative statement that doesn't make sense. (I tried to mix it in with the personification, but . . .)
What time tomorrow?
x_psylocke
May 28 2003, 07:07:10 UTC
*smirks*
Since you went to bed pretty late last night. How about four in the afternoon?
If not, I'll be in my office until 6p.m. Don't forget to bring all your edits with you.